I am profoundly touched by your flowery complimentary and not a little ego boosting words. Thank you for having that perspective on me. I’ve understood for a long time that I have a contrarian streak, but it’s not merely for arguments sake. I have perceived for many years that I have gift / curse of looking at things in ways that so many people never learn to. It’s a combination and cumulative effect of having had my parents split when I was 2 years old and bouncing around between them when I was younger, Foster homes, being out of my own immediately after turning 18 never having anybody to fall back on. Going to the experience of a religious conversion out of my programmed LDS background that was never my choice, into a born again Christian background that was equally repressive in many ways. And then of course finally coming to grasp with being a queer person. I use that word simply because no I’m not your ordinary simply gay men. I’ve never actually lived that lifestyle at all. There have always been some attraction to female although in my older age it’s almost completely gone now save for the very very rare woman I encounter although normally not in person.
The very challenging experience of balancing my newfound active faith with understanding of my attraction and desire for companionship, only to them have the economic stability of my life pulled out from underneath me when I was not rehired for my job in the University of Vermont; that’s what forced me into the Navy. Imagine the emotional turmoil I was going through is it brand new self-identified queer person forced into the military of all things in the early 80s. Frankly the abuse on multiple levels they suffered from my stepmother, and from my last Foster father is probably what gave me the strength to survive boot camp and flourish in the navy. But after 8 years I was tired of hiding and my cancer forced me out anyway. You roll all that up into a wild range of experience, along with living in Italy for 4 years adding a dimension nobody could have ever seen coming, and I was forced to learn to look at life through many many different angles at different times. I know I’m not the only person that has gone through a life of adversity, but I do think that the combination of conditions and different perspectives is what gives me my unique singular and contrarian nature.
I will never use the word proud if I can help it, but I am pleased, content, and encourage to think that I have grown to the point of being that fish that is always swimming the other direction from the current. Especially with the incredible darkness that has swirled up around our own nation and our society, I feel like I will be walking a terrible minefield for the next 3 years or more. But I must continue to have the courage to go ahead and speak my mind, but always try to remember how I would feel hearing the words myself. I’ve been cursed with too many people that have known me for years, if not decades, falling into the trap of the way the world has conditioned us to respond and take things I say in the worst possible fashion. It is beyond maddening that people who should know better because they know my core character would do that.
I’ll take this opportunity to intently and specifically offer my apology to anyone who’s been personally deeply offended by anything I’ve had to say because that’s never my intent. In a world where people routinely prevaricate as a matter of habit, I tried my best to not be dishonest unless it was simply a case of sparing feelings or mere survival. But I have never intentionally been guilty of that famous commandment about bearing false witness, also known as telling lies about others with the intent of harming them. I will spend the rest of my life trying in my own way to remind people that it’s ultimately simple logic to treat people the way you want to be treated, and don’t do things other people you don’t want done to yourself.
I apologize for this veritable Tome I’m writing here, but I figure I never really gone into a lot of detail about why I am the quirky, obstreperous, and persnickety old fool that I am.
I will not be surfing the boards anymore, here or ESPN or even reddit, I will occasionally check messages to see if anybody has something specific they want to address to me. I am still up for perhaps meeting for lunch or breakfast in the case of the other place near me if somebody feels like just hanging out a bit. And talking about life in general aside from sports and things of that nature. It does get a bit lonely as the old disabled widowed guy, and I don’t have any illusions about some wonderfully handsome charming man finally paying attention to me at this my life. So do you feel free to say hi by a message, remember that I live right downtown if you ever want to grab a drink at dick and Dixie’s or something like that.
Best wishes and blessings for a less strenuous and emotionally taxing Year to everyone.
Love always, you’re absolute BFF bestie, and other ridiculously affectionate terms,
Kosh.
Good one.