Absolutely true. I think in most cases its not worth the trouble.
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I admire people who are quick to forgive and are able to move past being wronged seemingly easily. I struggle with the principle of forgiveness. There are a couple of long term incidents where Iāve made good progress, but Iām not sure its possible to get 100% the way there.
Being completely honest, sometimes I fantasize about different ways to end a particular individualās life or at least do them some harm. Not that I would carry it out, but there is some small satisfaction out of fantasizing their demise 
Iāve clearly got some work to do.
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Thank you for your honesty. I think we have all felt that way. I know I certainly have work to do.
As imperative as I really think it is that we learn to forgive others, what I think is of most importance is that we learn to forgive ourselves, and that we continue to practice this form of self compassion as it will manifest itself on other areas of our lives. I believe this is one of the great truths of life.
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Another thought, with cancel culture at the forefront, this topic is even more compelling to me. I know itās not black or white, but it seems as a society weāve become less and less forgiving and more likely to go the opposite direction. I wonder what people think that is supposed to accomplish.
Iāve had very similar thoughts to yours on this subject. A good example of this in the media recently was the exchange between AOC and whoever the guy was that was yelling at her/insulting her/swearing at her. I donāt have any particular political leanings so it was just interesting for me to see both sides of it. The manās non-apology, and AOCās refusal to accept his non-apology. No judgement from me about who was right or wrong. I donāt want to turn this into a political thread, I just thought that exchange was emblematic of so many of the issues infecting society today. A large helping of humility in our leaders would go a long way in helping this country get back on the right foot.
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Excellent point. It is not enough, it is only a starting point. When Iāve applied that principle Iāve had to hold onto it and reapply it many times, often for the same incident. In other words, I say to myself, āOK now, donāt let him or her control your feelings or your peace of mind. He/she is not worthy of that power.ā That, all by itself, doesnāt close the door on the challenge. Like everything else in forgiveness, it is part of the process. Just my $.02.
without going into a very personal and sad detail of my life, I recall struggling with a decision whether to forgive a family member. It consumed me for a couple of days. I was praying, meditating and doing everything I could to get an answer. I looked up every forgiveness reference in the New Testament (also since Iām LDS, every reference in the Book of Mormon). This might be obvious to some of you, but at the time it wasnāt to me. I discovered that there isnāt a single forgiveness reference in the hundreds of scriptures in those books that excuses, hints or suggests that you can not forgive someone, or delay, continue to hold a grudge, let it work itself out after you die scenario. To me after going through that, I felt I had my answer.
Years later, I know I made the right decision forgiving that individual, even though Iām still not 100% there.
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I feel I understand and can relate. Thank you for sharing. What Iāve come to understand is that the better option is just to move on the best way we know how, even though it still hurts or may even always hurt.
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Just happened to see this, and itās on point. I am in awe of the guy here who forgave.
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āForgiveness is designed to set you free. When you say I forgive you, what youāre really saying is, I know what you did is not okay but I recognize that you are more than that. I donāt want to hold us captive to this thing anymore. I can heal myself and I donāt need anything from you.ā
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āI donāt think it needs to involve the other party.ā
Sees Gestalts empty chair
āThe only way out of the labyrinth of suffering is to forgive.ā
ā John Green
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Stumbled upon this in a textbook today. Thought I would share:
"In 8 Keys to Forgiveness, Enright and Rothschild (2015) offer a four-stage process:
- Uncovering anger
- Deciding to forgive
- Working on forgiveness
- Discovery and release
This process of forgiving ends with the emergence of a new self. Although many people begin this process, not everyone finishes it. Forgiveness will not occur with- out a person making significant changes in his or her feelings and beliefs. āForgiveness is a rational process; it is a conversion in the way you have thought about your- self and other people and about harm and vulnerabilityā (Flanigan, 1992, p. 72). At the end of this process, individuals do not wish any harm on their injurers and develop a new perspective on the causes of events in their lives. In addition, research (Baskin & Enright, 2004) shows that people who forgive someone who has hurt them seem to reap significant mental health benefits. And the act of forgiving appears to be one of the basic processes that keeps long-term personal relationships functioning, according to studies of long-married couples. Forgiveness takes conscious effort, whereas resentment or revenge is somewhat automatic. Forgiveness is not the same as reconciliation. Forgiveness involves only the person who was hurt. Reconciliation takes both people and requires a change in the person who did the hurting. Forgiving can be liberating. Carrying around a desire for revenge or a need to avoid someone is generally not a healthy adaptation. Hostility and aggression are linked to a multitude of health problems."
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