First off, I know I’m going to miss someone if I name names. I know it. If I do name names and I miss yours it’s most definitely not because I think less of your input over the past 24 hours, it’s because probably less than 20% of my brain is working on this right now and the other 80% is trying (and not succeeding) to hold things together. So I’m not naming anyone by name, I’m just going to say thank you from all of our family to all of you that have reached out to express your condolences on the passing of our daughter Jessica. Technically she was my daughter but EFF that, she was as much Cris’s daughter as Lindsey is. TL;DR, you can stop here.
They say that writing about something bad is supposed to be good for you. So far it is anything but. I’m just rambling and I know it. Sunday night Jesse was having problems breathing to the point that she called in sick for her shift that night. It was the only scheduled night in 8 years at her job she missed. Monday morning her oxygen saturation was 83. Normal is 95 or above. She was transported by ambulance to the hospital. Her chest xray and lung sounds were normal but some test that determines the level of something in her blood, however, indicated that there was a clot somewhere and not a minor one.
A little background about Jesse. Jesse had a pretty face, beautiful hair and olive skin that was basically flawless but those were about the only thing that most would consider physically attractive about her by most standards. She was easily 200+ pounds overweight and despite years of pleas from all of us refused to do much about it other than go on (and back off again) keto, paleo or whatever the diet flavor of the day was. She’d lose 50 lbs. and put 80 back on. As a result, she had several other issues such as asthma, high blood pressure, severe arthritis that set in before she was 30. Her inner beauty far outshone though. She was always the champion of the underdog, including the love of her life Katrina. I’ve lovingly referred to them as “two misfits that had to find each other”. She was the friend to the classmates at Olympus High, Olympus Jr. and William Penn Elementary that had no friends. The girl with cerebral palsy that everyone shunned? Jesse’s best friend. The socially awkward kid that it turns out was nothing more than autistic? Let’s just say Jesse was the equalizer and “convinced” his bullies that they didn’t want to do that anymore.
Jesse was gay in a family with a very LDS background. She finally decided to do something about it when a couple from the local ward came to her house to give her a ride to church. She saw them and before they could see her and she hid in the coat closet. At that point she realized that, as she put it, “there I was in the closet, in the closet”. Jesse’s mom was (difficultly) supportive and the night she called to tell us the conversation went, “Dad, I have something to tell you.” “What’s that?” “I’m gay.” “Yeah, we know. What do you need to tell us?” I know that’s not all writing style correct but EFF that too.
So, back to the clot. The suspicion was that a clot had formed in her leg and had broken loose into her lung. Like I said, Jesse was a big girl. Big enough that she wouldn’t fit in the CT scanner at Riverton Hospital. They transported her to Alta View which has a bigger scanner. It was supposed to be a routine transport by ambulance and for the most part it was. She, also in the public safety business, was shop talking with the EMTs and the paramedic in the ambulance. As they were turning into the parking lot of Alta View, the paramedic said that she “suddenly had a panicked look on her face for about a half second”, then went limp and flatlined the EKG.
Alta View ER worked on her for nearly an hour but with nearly a full day of below normal oxygen saturation, dilated cardiomyopathy due to her high blood pressure and (according to her) controlled type 2 diabetes (it wasn’t) and who knows what else, that beautiful girl’s beautiful heart realized that it had given her everything it had to give and there was nothing left to give. It officially stopped at 6:29 PM, about 10 minutes before Cris and I could arrive at Alta View. Jesse was lucky enough to pass with her mother holding her hand.
Per her instructions she will donate those organs that can be harvested, and cremated. She also insisted that no service, celebration of life, viewing, etc., be held. But we might anyway. I am 100% not asking anyone to because none of you ever met her (she wasn’t a social person that would have been comfortable tailgating) but if you do want to do something in her memory (which is nothing but a favor to us) she asked that donations be made in her memory to the Utah Pride Center at utahpridecenter.org.
So I’ve written way more than I had planned. Well, I didn’t have a plan but it sounds good. But I’ve still written a lot. Thank you for reading this far. And, by the way, I don’t feel any better, I still feel like ■■■■. I still fell like I’m supposed to be daddy and take care of her. And that makes me sad. Then I realize that one of the main reasons that I couldn’t take care of her is because she wouldn’t take care of herself. And it makes me angry. So I’m going to go cry some more.