Dear Head Coach Pen Pal

You guys remember LoboMan on the old Utefans? Rad dude from the land of shiny rocks and spicy peppers. He used to write Kyle Whittingham emails, just good natured banter and such, and a couple of times Whit responded.

Based on that inspiration, I’ve decided to write an email to the head coach of each PAC12 opponent the Mighty Utes will face this year. I will actually send this email to the publicly listed email for each coach, and then I’ll huck and pray for a response from whatever athletic department lackey has the blessed task of monitoring what has to be among the best junk mail receptacles on planet earth. If, against all odds, I ever receive a response, I’ll post it here. Totally holding my breath.

First up, Nicholas Robert Rolovich, head coach of the Washington State University Cougars.

To: (Football Chief of Staff - no direct email to Coach Rolovich available)
From: Senioritis
Subject: Welcome to Salt Lake City, Like Pullman Except Horses Don’t Have the Right of Way Here!

Dear Coach Rolovich,

As an ardent fan of the Mighty Utes of the University of Utah, I offer a hearty welcome from myself, my family, and all of my kith and kin. We hope your visit to Salt Lake City is fantastic, other than the three to four hours on Saturday when the Mighty Utes wear your collective ■■■■■ like hats.

You seem like a rad dude. I mean it. Many football coaches seem like uptight, humorless automatons who only show human emotion when confronted with terrible placekicking. But not you. You seem, like, normal or something!

In a way, we Utes see you Cougars as soul brothers. Plucky, underappreciated, sucking from hind teat brothers. Like, we share a conference with a lot of Botox, you know what I’m saying? LOTS of lip work at Arizona State, nary a forehead wrinkle at UCLA, abundant hair plugs at Cal. the PAC12 is aging gracefully like Kenny Rogers. But, you guys, you’re au natural! You’re just like us, except we’ve been lucky enough to not just totally suck all the time, and also we’re in a city with an airport that can land planes larger than a single engine Cessna.

I note from your bio that you are the 33rd head coach in Washington State football history. I can’t imagine the pressure of standing on the shoulders of such giants! One hears the phrase “Washington State Football tradition” and one can’t help but conjure up other incredibly tradition-rich situations like “The Chevy Chase Show” and “The Microsoft Zune!”

I was surprised to learn that a man of science like yourself began your education at a Community College in San Francisco. With your well-documented love of medical advancements and the scientific method, I can only assume that The City College of San Francisco is the Yale of bay area junior colleges.

I also see that you received a Masters Degree from New Mexico Highlands. Well, look at the big brain on Nick! I have a niece who played soccer for Cowboys. Her greatest takeaway from higher education in such a place is an appreciation of the human spirit as represented by their ability to create adventurous weekday nights by mixing recreational drugs and roasted hatch green chiles. Creating their own vaccinations, those crazy kids!

I see that you played professional football for the Rhein Fire in Germany, which is, coincidentally, also the name of what happens when you consume too many schnitzengrubens, am I right? Pig parts coming out the wassenschnichter!

Your Wikipedia page says that you are “well known” for your “zany personality.” Is that “why” you took the “job” of “coaching” at “Washington State?”

Also, that time when you hired the Elvis impersonator at MWC media days? Classic! Sincerely. Huge props to you. But my question is, did the guy you hired ever share his white jumpsuit with you? Like, let’s be honest, you yourself have a bit of an Elvis look to you. Like, Elvis after he discovered KFC.

And this story from your Wikipedia is darling: “During the Covid-19 Pandemic, Rolovich went around Washington State University’s Pullman campus on a bicycle FaceTimeing a recruit with a phone taped to his bike helmet to show the recruit what Pullman and the campus looked like.” I mean, this is commitment! Especially when you could have just Googled “Rock Springs without I-15” and sent the recruit some images.

So anyway, this has been fun. You seem like an awesome dude, and I’d love to hang out with you once I’m convinced your aerosols don’t pose a giant risk to my community, ha ha!! My wife and I live in Centerville, which is like Pullman, except we teach our schoolchildren how to read. If you’re free on Friday night, come on up and have some of the best stuff we can make in our Instant Pot.

May death come quickly to your enemies,


Bravo. You didn’t take the obvious anti-vaxxer put downs that lesser men like myself would have!


Very nice. Loboman was legendary. Reminds me of the team look-alikes that used to be done. Those were classic.


You sir, are a genius. I’m gonna get my Russian hacker friends to give you eleventy-thousand stars.


LoboMan was a fun poster back in the MWC days when this board had a lot more traffic. I remember a CSU fan named something like RamBunctious and another one from Wyoming too as well as a few others.


For anybody who may be wondering what is happening with the vax thing… apparently Rolovich has about 24 days remaining as Wazzu’s coach.